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How to Avoid Social Interaction

April 14, 2011

Apparently one of the top Google searches that leads people to Gallery Pieces is “avoiding social interaction.” What is wrong with the Internet? I am an expert on avoiding people though. Here is a guide.

  1. Establish a “no touching” policy. This is important. Some people will be put-off that you are not into hugging. Cringe when people touch your shoulder. The only people who will not respect this policy are drunks. You will probably hear “How do you make love? When I am having sex I like to embrace my girl.” Vomit in your mouth. When said drunk person (most always a man) goes in for a sloppy hug kick him in the balls and run away. Be a frigid bitch.
  2. Tell the truth. No one likes to hear the truth. When someone politely asks how your day is tell them it is shit and then run through the list of problems you have. Make sure your problems are genuinely awful, but are not juicy gossip. “My grandmother has cancer and I’m failing one of my classes,” is the fastest way to get someone to stop talking to you. Tell someone you hate their pants. Cock block using the truth as much as possible, shout “Hey, you were the third person he tried to take home tonight,” at unsuspecting young girls. You are telling the truth, people will hate you.
  3. Be a foot taller than everyone else. Wear ridiculous shoes, dance awkwardly because you are so tall. People will look at you like you’re Andre the Giant. You will be left alone.
  4. Wear headphones on the subway. Blast Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream so loud that every Williamsburg resident on the L train can hear. Do so while wearing a Lacoste polo and ballet flats.

    Click through for image source

  5. Make embarrassing and obscure references in daily conversation. Quote Party Girl, Valley of the Dolls, and Keeping up With the Kardashians (only effective at Liberal Arts Colleges) as much as possible. Insist that Kim Kardashian is the embodiment of the American dream.
  6. Make people uncomfortable. Tell off color jokes. Talk about that time you watched someone use a broken lightbulb to make a crack pipe. Dramatically bring up the time your boyfriend cheated on you with a 15 year old. Tell anarchists you’re getting a tramp stamp of the dollar sign, insist that you are serious.
  7. Do not leave your apartment. Ever.
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