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Breaking Up is Easy

April 1, 2011

Break up season is upon us! If there’s anything I’ve learned from my facebook newsfeed, it’s that most couples break up in the spring and the fall. But don’t worry, my newly single friends, I am an expert on heartbreak and I am here to help.

click through for image source

If you haven’t already, download Ryan Adams’ Heartbreaker and The Format’s Dog Problems. Listen to Heartbreaker late at night. Or on the train. Or maybe while walking around and being sad and alone. Ryan Adams will guide you through your heartbroken emotional roller coaster. Drink a bottle of vodka and post lines from Damn, Sam on your facebook page. Listen to Dog Problems while you’re getting ready for a night out on the town. You are angry and upset and sad and you’re probably going to do things you regret and/or be that awkward silent person sitting in the corner. Dog Problems will tell you that’s okay.

Buy really expensive and pretty lingerie. Get sad that no one you care about it will see it, take pictures of yourself wearing your new lingerie and send them to your girl friends. Insert sad faces into your messages:

the only person who will see me in this is the creepy guy that lives across the street and looks in my window 😦

Call your male friends late at night. Cry and ask them why there aren’t any good men in the world. Giggle when they tell you that there are good men that you know who are interested in you and tell them that they are your favorite straight-gay best friend.

You should probably just avoid any movie that isn’t Fight Club, Big Trouble in Little China, or a documentary about old people (except for Grey Gardens, do not watch Grey Gardens, the reasons should be obvious).

Go out on a lot of dates. Talk about your ex the entire time. Complain to your friends that no one asks you out on a second date. Spend hours on facebook looking at pictures of every guy you’ve ever rejected. Try to convince yourself that they’re really not that bad. They are that bad.

If you had children with this person, you should probably talk to your kids about how sad you are now that you are single. They will really appreciate this.

Lilo is the epitome of heartbreak

Eat a lot of Chinese take-out. Spend 90% of your time with gay men. Sleep with guys you don’t really like. Act like a damn fool. After a month of sleeping until 2 wake up early one day, shave your legs, and take yourself out on a date.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 1, 2011 7:43 pm

    I forgot to mention “listen to too much Kate Nash.”

  2. Matt permalink
    April 16, 2012 12:41 am

    Don’t download Ryan Adam’s album. Buyt it. It’s probably the best album in 25 years.

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