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How to be “Poor”

March 31, 2011

Attend an expensive liberal arts college. This is a crucial part of being “poor”. Discover Food Not Bombs and have parties with your college friends where you drink Yellowtail and eat dumpstered pasta from Trader Joe’s. Make sure you live off campus and your parents pay your rent.

Go on dates for free food. When I told my father that I didn’t have enough money to go out with my friends his advice was to go out on more men. Is he my pimp now? When you get flack for your promiscuity explain that you are doing it for the meals. When you do have to buy food for yourself, make sure it only costs $1.

Post photobooth pictures of yourself looking hungry. You will get sympathy. Make sure you look cute, you will get asked out on more dates and then get more free food.

Spend all of your money at Sephora. Since you are now a whore for food, you need to look good. Whenever you get a free sample get some sort of anti-aging lotion, face creams for old ladies make the best foot cream.

Sell your designer clothes at Beacon’s Closet. You are poor now, your complaints of hunger look ridiculous when you are wearing Prada. Use the money to buy gin or a wool sweater that looks too big and makes you look hungrier.

Shop at 99 cent stores. You have probably never been to a 99 cent store before. This will be an exciting experience, make sure you tweet about it so that everyone knows how much fun being a poor person is.

If you have a bike, invest more money in buying parts for it than it actually cost. This is highly effective if you owe a lot of money to your friends. Justify the insane amount of money you spend on tires because you need your bike to get to work. Refuse to ride your bike if it is raining or cold.

Go to BYOB parties without actually bringing your own booze. Flirt with strangers for their alcohol.

Become involved in left-wing politics. You are poor now, these issues concern you. Hate Mayor Bloomberg for taxing cigarettes. Fight for universal healthcare even though you’ve never payed a medical bill in your entire life.

Complain that you don’t have any friends because you are poor. Specifically, complain to the friends that you do have that you don’t have more friends because you can’t afford to buy coke.

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