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What is This Mating Ritual?

March 29, 2011

Picture by Amanda Callahan

  1. You are playing the bongos at a house party in Brooklyn. Specifically, you are in the coatroom. I sit down next to you because it’s the only available seat. You alternate between banging the bongos and stroking my leg. I tell you that I am writing a series of poems based on Brothers Grimm tales. This is not true. You tell me your name but I do not remember it, nor do I care. My friend gets up to go to the bathroom, so I follow.
  2. We talked earlier in the evening. Or maybe we know each other from a different party. You have left a seat open for me and I sit down because I’ve finished my bottle of wine and I’m bored. You grab my bottle of Poland Spring and tell me that you have been to all of my places mentioned on the label. I am confused about whether or not this is supposed to impress me. You ask if I want to go somewhere private the same time as my friend asks me if I want to leave. With out a word to you, I grab my coat and walk to the G train.
  3. We have introduced ourselves to each other multiple times. I still do not remember your name. Once I saw you do a line and then walk up to the only sober girl in the room and make out with her. I was eating a slice of pizza and watched in fascination. You have nice hair so every time I see you at a party I get a little excited. At another party I sat next to you in silence while you held a bong and I texted anyone who would respond to me. This lasted nearly 30 minutes. I am 95% sure that you are the same age as my younger brother so I avoid you most of the time.
  4. You are a blogger who sometimes writes for Thought Catalog. You graduated college when I was 6 years old. You see a picture of me online and ask me to adopt you. I am confused and forward your e-mails to my friends.
  5. I am eating a ham sandwich outside Think on Bowery. There is mayo on my chin and you laugh at me. Then you wave at me. I look behind me, but there is no one there. You ask me if I am a fashion student. I don’t understand why you are talking to me, so I eat my sandwich as fast as I can.
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