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A History of Non-Relationships

March 28, 2011

Was anyone else concerned that he couldn't read?

Non-Relationship is a term Amanda and I coined two years ago when we were drinking a lot of whiskey. It is essentially a crush, but the sort of all-encompassing crush that is more emotionally draining than most relationships and is unique to teenage girls. The addition of My So Called Life on Netflix Instant has caused me to go back and recollect on all of my non-relationships. High School was fun.

My first non-relationship was when I was in the 8th grade. I used to sit with him in the library after school and read him the sex scenes from the Gossip Girl books (there were books!). This was the golden age before sexting. I asked him on a date to see The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants the summer before the ninth grade, but he couldn’t get his mother to drive him to the movie theater. Neither one of us had kissed anyone before. When I went to camp that summer I decided that I wanted to kiss someone so I grabbed Jon Green and kissed him next to the vending machines. The next day when I signed on to aim I told the boy I liked that I had kissed someone else. Three weeks later he told me that he couldn’t date me since we were going to different high schools.

In the 10th grade I saw the most beautiful boy known to mankind. I wrote about 30 pages in my journal comparing our love to Dante and Beatrice. Once at a party I found him alone in a room playing xbox. I found this fascinating. We still haven’t spoken.

The summer before the 11th grade I went to pre-college at Barnard. I was 17 and alone in New York City. I probably should have made-out with an investment banker at Butter, instead I met a guy at Columbia’s pre-college program. When he asked for me and my friend’s number I assumed he would call her, she had big boobs and this is how all 17 year old boys I had known operated. Instead he called me. He asked me on a date to Pinkberry. My friends talked me out of going after I found out on his facebook page that he was in an “open relationship.” He tried to take me out to a hookah bar on his last night in New York but I went to a drag show instead. That night he asked me if a drag queen gave me a lap dance. I signed off of facebook chat without a reply.

In the 12th grade I noticed that one of my friends had become really attractive. I asked him if he was going to homecoming. He said probably not because he didn’t want to be alone. I told him that was okay, I would be alone also and that we could be alone together. That night I smoked pot for the first time and threw up in a diner bathroom. I didn’t realize what was happening when he tried to dance with me and ended up getting drunk with a bunch of lacrosse players after the dance. One night I got drunk at a party and realized that one of my friends had a crush on him. I decided that she was more deserving of his affections so I called him telling him it was an emergency. He showed up looking for me and I locked them in a room together.

A few weeks before my highschool graduation I met The Love of My Life ™ at a party. He is, to this day, the only guy who’s phone number I have asked for. The entire summer before I left for college we fielded accusations of marriage and questions about when we were going to lose our virginity’s to each other. A few weeks before I left, he drunkenly held my face in his hands and said, “I can never kiss you.”

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